UUBF-L: The Value of Rules and Kindness

The Value of Rules and Kindness, by Rev. Sam Trumbore

This whole issue of safety vs individual freedom is a big one in our movement right now primarily through the efforts of women who are against violence, and believe that violent words are as evil as violent actions. I encourage everyone to reflect on what value there may be in words which humiliate or attack another person.

I am not suggesting we must be nice nice with each other and agree when we disagree. I am not suggesting a limit to what we discuss on this list. I am suggesting we can respectfully disagree while appreciating whatever value the other person has expressed in their post.

In truth, since none of us (I think ;-) are enlightened, we are all deluded in different ways. One person off list has already nailed me for the harsh authoritarian speech he heard in my original post on right speech. I received the message and reflected on it and saw his point. I learned something about myself about how I responded to the concerns with an edge of power and control.

The obscene and aggressive speech he used in his initial personal message to me, did not make it easy for me to extract this lesson.

If we are to be of assistance to each other in awakening, I find respectful and appreciative language to be extremely beneficial. It may not satisfy our ego needs to pretend to be Senseis or Roshis and whack someone with a stick, but in almost every case, kindness coupled with honesty works much better.

There is enough suffering in the world and we don't need one more place to be whacked. This is why people go to church after all. This is why they retreat to meditate. We desire a place to feel safe enough to take off the armor and look inside and discover who we really are.

Personally, I'd like to see this list be a place which supports us in our religious journey and spiritual practice. Whatever form of Buddhism, practice is central. So is clearly understanding the philosophy underpinning the practice. The Buddha is said to have avoided much speculation about God and Ultimate Reality. He encouraged people to sit, observe the breath and find out the truth in their own experience. I'm not sure how valuable speculative Buddhist philosophy is. I know from personal experience how beneficial the practice is.

Rules and kindness are useful to create a climate conducive to our verbal practice just as providing a quiet place to meditate is conducive to stilling the mind so one can witness it more deeply.

Exchanging email as a community on a list is a powerful transformative practice which I believe can support the other practices we do. We are not monks retreating from the world; our words are powerful forces we use in our daily lives for good or harm. Learning to better use our words to help others in the struggle to be free is a wise use of our time.

— Posted to UUBF-L 23 May 1998

For more thoughts relevant to Our Code of Courtesy and Kindness, see...

• Some original Buddhist texts on Right Speech, at Access to Insight
• UUBF-L: More on Right Speech
• The UUA Email List User's Guide: Rules for Participating

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